First of all, Happy Birthday! Here's to eighteen years. It's been a bumpy road... it still will be, and I know it.
But even with that, I'm blessed to be where I am right now and I'm forever thankful for that.
I know I may seem narcissistic with this post, but I just want this to be out in the public. This year will be about me–appreciating myself for who I am. I haven't really been proud of myself lately, but somewhere along the road I have learned that I should. Even though I seem like a failure to others, even though I am insecure of my own skin, I will love myself. Because I know no one else would love me as much as I would love myself. No one would care for me as much as I would care for myself. There are many things I've learned along the way, things that people think are easy when it's not.
In life I have learned that not everyone will care the way you expect them to.
I've learned to never lean on somebody too much, because it gives them the power to break you down when they leave you hanging.
I've learned that not everyone will like me, no matter what I do. Even if I've done nothing to them, and that's okay.
I've learned that it's okay to lose some friends. Even if those friends are the people you grew up with. The only sad part there is you grew apart. But the memories remain, and that's what matters.
I've learned that some of my struggles are best to be handled alone. Because with those hardships, no one truly understands you (well, unless they've been there before). People will judge you, criticize you, for all of the things you're going through. Some will give you a piece of advice–but it's never enough. They're not in your shoes, they wouldn't understand even if they try to.
I like it when someone listens to me rant and vent out my feelings, but I find myself listening more to others. I don't like feeling of being another burden to someone.
I've learned that when people judge me, I don't need to excuse and explain myself. That would just waste my time and effort.
I've learned that even if no one tells me they're proud of me, I should still be proud of myself.
I've learned that even though I'm not all out intellectual, I shouldn't doubt myself. I should be more self driven.
I've learned that it's okay to be alone. But not feel alone and be lonely.
I've learned so many things I want to list down but I wont. Because it would take a damn long time.
Life's shit sometimes, but hey, things get haywired but it gets fixed again.
People may think I have the witty, happy, and personality, but so far in my life, I haven't really been happy with myself. Honestly, this message is really hard for me to make because I don't feel content with myself. I feel like I've been through so much, though it may not seem like it. I feel like I've always been struggling of feeling alone. I've been having commitment issues. My relationships with people don't last that strong. Most relationships always end up drifting apart, and I'm sick of that happening. I'm frightened. That's why I don't want anyone to feel alone, let alone be alone. Even though I find myself having a great number of friends I could count on, I don't feel like I have the luxury of telling them of how I feel about myself. So this message is a huge step forward for me.
I now vow to myself, that I will be the better version of me and try to be happy as much as I can. When life comes to an end, I want to be a person who'd die happily because I have no regrets and have lived my life the way I wanted to. I want to be a person who can commit to the things she loves. I want to be a better version of me.
I've set goals for myself, so I can start pushing myself for greater heights. With that, I wont take things for granted anymore. There are some things I've been thinking about for a while now, and those are the things that I have to change about myself.
If you've managed to reach up this point. Wow. Thanks for reading. Really. I appreciate it.
For myself, hey, chin up. You can do this. All for the better. :)
Love,
Allison.
